i'm at home with dark and sad

so....this weekend we had a bbq for the 4th, and my brother's friend brought this girl named alicia. she lives at the local mission, and apparently has nowhere to actually call home. i talked to her for awhile and learned how she lived on the streets of san francisco for a few years, and i guess she landed in jail eventually. she told me about how she met her husband while they were both homeless, and she had a big problem with "dope" (in this case meaning heroin). she said "all we did was sleep, fuck, and get high." she talked about her past with some fondess, but it was easy to see the sadness at the same time. she's had 3 children, and i don't think she has custody of them. i'm not sure how she ended up here, but from what i understand she was left here. something about her husband was supposed to meet up with her, and he never showed, so now she's stuck. i was playing my guitar and singing and she really enjoyed it. then she sang a song for me... she has a nice voice. she was really nervous and shy when she went to sing. i felt odd talking to her because she wasn't the kind of person that i usually hang around much but she had an interesting story. my brother's friend, known as fish, brought her back some flowers and she seemed really touched. i get the feeling she's not used to someone showing her that kind of care. i don't know exactly what will happen to her, but i wish her best.

i'm listening to



the cranberries- no need to argue.





i forgot how much i dig this album. i'm sittin here boppin along in my chair. see? it's even got me cutting the -g off of words. it's just "feel good music" whether the lyrics are happy or not. some stuff is just like that for me. different music fits different moods...or something. yeah, it's like that for a lot of people. so that's not so out of the ordinary. i guess it so happens that sometimes music that people might call "dark" or "sad" is actually the stuff that makes me feel most at home. i'm comfortable with dark and sad. perhaps my life path has made me as such... i don't really know. i'm not really dark or sad myself... things like that just seem the most inviting. maybe inviting isn't the word....but it's sort of like... if i listen to pop music.. it makes me feel irritable. it's like that john mayer lyrics "red candy lips and a bubblegum tongue". that lyric bugs me SOOO fucking much. my god! i go on for hours about how i hate it. (ok maybe not hours, but i'm sure i've argued the point for at least an hour before *smirk*). but yeah... the ooey-gooeyness of it just makes me ill. i can't stand the fact that people find such things to be GOOD or pleasurable. guh. i mean... it's just so....contrived! standard! nauseating! guh! ..... see? i told you. i can go on forever. but yeah, back to my original point... i don't like things like that. that's the same reason i can't listen to bands like ELO. now i can't say ELO is along the same lines of that john mayer lyric, but it's so bright shiny happy that i feel ill listening to it. i'm like Run away! Noooo! ok...maybe not that exaggerated, but you get my point right? yeah. right. wee.

what does it mean that i'm 'at home with the dark and the sad'? a source of identity i suppose. i'm not a sad person. but i'm not a happy person. i really don't know what happy means. sometimes the past gets stuck in my head, playing like a reel to reel. i realize that things that are called dark, sad, i understand them. and i'm well aware of the 'dark' that resides within me. i keep it bottled up, under lock and key. no one likes that side of me. they're afraid of it, i think. they rather i just go along like everyone else it seems. even he fails to see anything good of that part of me. "you can't act like that. you can't say those things." but not even to a trusted source? guess not. sometimes we have to be our own best friend that we tell our troubles to and the shoulder to lean on while tears soak into our shirt. but, you can't lean on your own shoulder. however, i've grown accustomed to facing those things on my own. but perhaps it's for the best. i can't image anyone would want to be exposed to 'all of me'. nonetheless, these things sit alright with me. dark things don't scare me. otherwise i might be scared of myself.

anyway, i think i've gone on enough for now, so i'm gonna end it here.

until next time- be sure to empty the gnarls from your socks. they can do murder to a nice plump big toe.