the vapid ramblings of the quintessential bubbleheads

yes....so....i'm on campus right now. ill be going to work in about a half hour. wee. anyway, i was in tthe bathroom, and i happend to hear random people talking, yadayada. and while im in there there's at least 3 different groups of girls (or pairs. the groupings consisted of 2-3 people at a time, it seemed). and i heard minor snippets of the conversations, and something occurred to me.... i couldn't tell the difference between the 3 seperate groups. nor could i tell the difference between the individual members of the groups as they spoke. now...someone might say that i'm odd for even making note of such a thing (being that i was in a bathroom and all), but this struck me as odd, and perhaps even a bit disturbing.

here are these girls, supposedly each a model of the ideal college girl: cute, giggly, flattering attire (e.g. super cute clothes! OMG :D), just-right makeup, etcetc. anyway, so yes...their conversations....it was the last group of girls in particular that stuck out in my mind. they all sounded exactly the same. it went something like this:

girl 1: i had some WAY weird dreams last night!
girl 2: Oh my God! Me TOO!
girl 1: REALLY?! Oh my God!
girl 2: yeah!!

and then it went on from there. what struck me as strange was how stereotypical their interaction was. now, not to say that these girls are necessarily stupid...they are in a university, afterall. i mean, sure they could've got their way on mummy and daddy's checkbook...however being that this is a state university and its not exactly Stanford or somesuch, well...the frequency of that is rather unlikely. anyway.... but something i might gather them to be are what are known as "bubbleheads." dictionary.com cites the definition of bubblehead as being "A foolish or empty-headed person." now...this seems to" concur with my idea of a good deal of people i come across on campus. its the language, the mannerisms, the lack of social awareness (or any kind of awareness, really, it seems). i'll never say that i'm some example of perfection...surely not; however, i'll always be relieved to know that i'm not one of these. i could go on for pages explaining exactly what i mean, defending my point...but at the moment i feel as though such efforts would be wasted and that energy would be better spent doing some of my schoolwork. and besides, it's my journal so, NYAH. heh. moving on...

hmm...i wonder if there's a point to all of these entries...perhaps just for my own amusement? probably. i have yet to really show this to anyone...perhaps i'll branch out to a few others. i don't know! meh. me is tired. Woo.

someome noted the other day now my two favorite phrases are "you know" and "something". people always say how vague i tend to be...but i suppose that's something i can't help. someone else once told me that i always say "seemingly" and "perhaps" a lot, which i do. my reasoning for doing that is simple: it's my nature. heh. throughout my life i've been faced with a variety of situations in which a single decision could alter the entire outcome of the entire scenario. really, this is the case with any decision; however my recoginition of this comes from the fact that some of those single decisions could have changed the path of my life completely. let's take an instance from that happend just about 5 years ago... i'd just finally gotten away from my psychotic ex, and i was not exactly of "right mind" (the gnomes had completely taken me over at that point). so yes... i decided, hm...seattle...ok sure. there was someone there i knew, and i figured, "why not?" so, the day i was leaving, my best friend came to see me at my mother's house. she thought i was being completely irrational and just plain stupid, and had no problem with telling me as such. she asked me if she could see my bus ticket, and i declined. she urged me to let her see it, but i knew that if i let her get her hands on it, that it would be in scraps seconds later. when i think back to that moment....i realize how much i really did want to hand her that ticket. i remember standing there thinking "but i HAVE to go..." and now my question is , why? why did i HAVE to go? i didn't...not really. i just thought i did. i had it in my head that this is what i was required to do. i have a whole plate of reasons as to why i probably felt that way, but i won't go into that now. anyway, i eventually came home. she didn't call me for awhile, and then one day i heard from her. i went home about 2 weeks later. the situation i was in was ridiculous, and now, as the stronger version of myself, i look back and think "WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK?!?!" because that wasn't even me. i never do what people tell me to do. i don't even take someone raising their voice at me (if its unwarranted, and even still. heh). anyway, relating to the original topic.... i don't like to assume things. my connection with reality is somewhat limited, and i have a sort of natural detatchment about me. my view of things is generally rather objective... but of course i'm still a human creature so i have some subjective tendencies floating around up there.

but yes...that was quite awhile ago. another lifetime infact. now... i'm better than i was then. not so unstable. of course, i'll always have some of the problems...there's no cure for that. as i told someone last night... i call it "functionally insane". i function....but i'm still somewhat insane. most people who know me don't know that...they've got no clue about what's going on up in my head. those that are even a bit close to me at least have an idea that i'm not the picture of mental health, but i think they find that endearing about me. heh. and then there's people that actually know what's going on up inside my head, at least to a degree. those people are the ones that i consider to be my "safe" people, in most aspects. i can't always tell them what's going on up there, or how i'm feeling, because for some of them it's seemingly intense or grotesque. i understand that though.... they just get scared that i'm going to revert back to my former state of deluded insanity. but functional insanity...yes...i'll that that one any day, as opposed to the other. but there are a few people that i can tell more to. but i never tell anyone everything....i don't think i want to purposely think about it long enough to do that.

anyway, i've got to treck my ass to the car and drive home so i can put on my converse and then go to work. a stockin beer i'll go a stockin beer i'll go..high ho the... eh. fuck it.

until next time.... contemplate your purpose, look at reality, and then spew in disgust.

smirkingly yours,

the girl who stocks cheap beer

bubbles under my skin

i'm antsy. way way antsy. i got startled awake by a very loud knock at my door. i didn't like this. i had a dream last night about a large black man telling me about his gay sex experience. that was odd. i don't know why i dream what i do dream. hm...

i'm really hot right now. i feel like my skin is melting off my bones....but the thermometer says that my tempterature is 97.2 ... hmmmmmmm.... meh.

so....i'm having this interesting little thought... but i don't know if i should go sharing it... it could be used as evidence in the future...

today, someone asked me if my disenchanted detachedness was like a constant state of zen.... i replied "yes. the zen art of 'i don't give a rat's ass'. " i amuse myself at times. *ahem*

people...are....confusing. i don't know. blahblahblah. i feel really weird. i need to be tired. NOW. i have classes early in the morning. goddamit. gah... i can't get tired....

another night of shadows, another night of whispers. will it ever go away.

errrraaarggguh

GNOMES. they're at it again... mining in my brain cavity. earlier this evening, i was sitting quietly in my bedroom, musing over some train of thought and !STAB STAB STAB STAB! they began to dig to new depths, leaving me rolling around in my bed, crying out in pain and contempt for these vile little beings that plague me. however...i almost have to admire their persistence and ability to get under my skin (and in my head). it's not often that things keep my attention for long....but they've managed to keep their place as my #1 advesaries to date. HOO-FUCKIN-RAH. 

Okay, i'm being ridiculous there. Sometimes i get ridiculous because i don't plan on sharing this with anyone. if someone saw it, they'd be calling to have me admitted again for sure. i'm supposed to be in 'remission' but lately, things keep popping up. they say that might always happen. they who? they they. not that I ever believed the 'theys' and 'thems'. whatever.

i have classes tomorrow... i think i may go see a doctor about this cough thing that's been developing in my chest. perhaps its a den of highly insipid hornets that have lost their way and have taken up refuge in my chest cavity.... but i really hope not. i'm highly allergic to bee stings and bugs just plain creep me out; however, my mind believes that its a likely possibilty. perhaps a wager should be set? hmm...
ow...my brain meats hurt. *blink*

the beaver that lays in the eye of the devil

yes....so i'm posing here. i'm not sure why. i don't think i'll end up showing this to anyone. perhaps someone will happen across it. i'm not sure. tralala....

i've been writing a lot. i have this chapter story going. it's....interesting. for now its just to get into the practice again. at some point i'm going to start my novel again. i tried but i got stuck because i realized that i still needed to re-create all of the characters. especially the main ones. we'll see where that goes...

i'm not sure what i'm really thinking right now. my head is a little clouded.  the moon calls.....or....something.

i think i've lost my mind. can you help me find it?

And so the gnomes have their way....

so...i don't know what i'm doing...really. i just started this because....well....there's no real reason. it's just...here. and i'm just...here. my head is all fuzzy. i feel like i'm floating out of my skin.  this is just me...and the weird way i always feel. disconnected.... but not like a crying goth child who has mean mean parents that won't give them lots of money for those uber-neat pants with the strappy things at Hot Topic. no....it's not even really that involved.

well...really....i just feel on the outside of the bubble; however i come off a fairly social creature. inside, a mess of conflict, anger, confusion. i'm just rather disenchanted with humanity. why? take a minute to stop and listen to a random conversation sometime...listen to what people talk about. listen to how they communicate with one another...take a moment to realize what you're hearing. what is it? rampant stupidity. yes...people are stupid. a lot of human beings think this, however most of them are part of that contingency. but they don't realize it. why? because they're stupid. simple enough, right?

i spend a great deal of time studying philosophy. i analyze things a lot. perhaps this is a product of my inherent paranoia. but, i'm so damn apathetic that in the end it doesn't matter. ha! eureka...we've found a dead end!sometimes this line i walk is too much of a tightrope, and i get curious what it might be like to just fall off. not in the sense of ' i want to die and end of it all.' no, no that's far too simple for me. more like, what would it be like to take the chance? is it all an illusion to begin with? very well could be so. i'm not sure it matters either way.

so anyway....yes. i see things. i hear things. tralala...but i function alright. just have the occasional glitch. but yes.... i have gnomes living in my head. they wield ice picks and randomly stab my brain meats, whilst laughing menacingly, and cause great pain throughout my cerebral region. i don't enjoy this.... i've been attempting to devise a way to rid myself of them...perhaps a fumigation of sorts....but i have yet to succeed in that venture. but i'm not giving up...i shall not. the gnomes shall be vanquished! *blink*

guh.. sometimes my random spurts of nonsense annoy even me.

hm....i'm spaced. tired....tired? maybe. yes....definitely. everything is just...strange....i am just....strange? not so much as someone might think. just untethered to societal conceptions of 'okay'.....i've ...... run out of things to say. so this is where it ends....for now.

*insert French Movie Theme (Smashing Pumpkins)*