i'm at home with dark and sad

so....this weekend we had a bbq for the 4th, and my brother's friend brought this girl named alicia. she lives at the local mission, and apparently has nowhere to actually call home. i talked to her for awhile and learned how she lived on the streets of san francisco for a few years, and i guess she landed in jail eventually. she told me about how she met her husband while they were both homeless, and she had a big problem with "dope" (in this case meaning heroin). she said "all we did was sleep, fuck, and get high." she talked about her past with some fondess, but it was easy to see the sadness at the same time. she's had 3 children, and i don't think she has custody of them. i'm not sure how she ended up here, but from what i understand she was left here. something about her husband was supposed to meet up with her, and he never showed, so now she's stuck. i was playing my guitar and singing and she really enjoyed it. then she sang a song for me... she has a nice voice. she was really nervous and shy when she went to sing. i felt odd talking to her because she wasn't the kind of person that i usually hang around much but she had an interesting story. my brother's friend, known as fish, brought her back some flowers and she seemed really touched. i get the feeling she's not used to someone showing her that kind of care. i don't know exactly what will happen to her, but i wish her best.

i'm listening to



the cranberries- no need to argue.





i forgot how much i dig this album. i'm sittin here boppin along in my chair. see? it's even got me cutting the -g off of words. it's just "feel good music" whether the lyrics are happy or not. some stuff is just like that for me. different music fits different moods...or something. yeah, it's like that for a lot of people. so that's not so out of the ordinary. i guess it so happens that sometimes music that people might call "dark" or "sad" is actually the stuff that makes me feel most at home. i'm comfortable with dark and sad. perhaps my life path has made me as such... i don't really know. i'm not really dark or sad myself... things like that just seem the most inviting. maybe inviting isn't the word....but it's sort of like... if i listen to pop music.. it makes me feel irritable. it's like that john mayer lyrics "red candy lips and a bubblegum tongue". that lyric bugs me SOOO fucking much. my god! i go on for hours about how i hate it. (ok maybe not hours, but i'm sure i've argued the point for at least an hour before *smirk*). but yeah... the ooey-gooeyness of it just makes me ill. i can't stand the fact that people find such things to be GOOD or pleasurable. guh. i mean... it's just so....contrived! standard! nauseating! guh! ..... see? i told you. i can go on forever. but yeah, back to my original point... i don't like things like that. that's the same reason i can't listen to bands like ELO. now i can't say ELO is along the same lines of that john mayer lyric, but it's so bright shiny happy that i feel ill listening to it. i'm like Run away! Noooo! ok...maybe not that exaggerated, but you get my point right? yeah. right. wee.

what does it mean that i'm 'at home with the dark and the sad'? a source of identity i suppose. i'm not a sad person. but i'm not a happy person. i really don't know what happy means. sometimes the past gets stuck in my head, playing like a reel to reel. i realize that things that are called dark, sad, i understand them. and i'm well aware of the 'dark' that resides within me. i keep it bottled up, under lock and key. no one likes that side of me. they're afraid of it, i think. they rather i just go along like everyone else it seems. even he fails to see anything good of that part of me. "you can't act like that. you can't say those things." but not even to a trusted source? guess not. sometimes we have to be our own best friend that we tell our troubles to and the shoulder to lean on while tears soak into our shirt. but, you can't lean on your own shoulder. however, i've grown accustomed to facing those things on my own. but perhaps it's for the best. i can't image anyone would want to be exposed to 'all of me'. nonetheless, these things sit alright with me. dark things don't scare me. otherwise i might be scared of myself.

anyway, i think i've gone on enough for now, so i'm gonna end it here.

until next time- be sure to empty the gnarls from your socks. they can do murder to a nice plump big toe.

The power of Icelandic Harmonies

so i'm sitting here listening to




Agaetis Byrjun by Sigur Ros





and I'm in complete and utter amazement. i don't know how to pronounce the name of the band, let alone the album...I couldn't tell you what most of the songs are about or what they're saying. hello, some of the songs don't even have titles or exact lyrics. it's obvious that they're talking about some sort of painful tale of love, and some of the words appear to be at least in english...so a rough idea of what's going on is garnered by the listener. but overall...no.... you just have to listen. listen and get sucked in. usually, i don't like things that suck me in because it makes me feel like i lose control and i feel awkward, uncomfortable....but this... no it's not like that. it's something wholely different. it's been a very rare occassion that i'll so openly sing the praises of something, especially a band. yet this music makes me.....feel. i don't mean as in "feel something." it just males me feel. i don't do that much. not consciously anyway... most of the time i'm just sort of drifting in the endless tides of an unendling state of limbo. oh my....how gothic of me. but... it's true in some sense.

but anyway, i've been reflecting a lot on things (when am i not, right? yeah...). but yeah....so.....thinking...i do that a lot. some people tell me that i think too much. i think i've touched on the this subject before and i could probably go on forever about it...but...i won't i'll save myself the time and the eyes of whomever might happen across this...which probably won't be much of anyone but those i just happen to slip the link to. or something...fuck... i lost my train of thought.

so...i'm just kinda sitting here, and this ....this... lost the thought again. meh.

ever since i read jung's sychronicity i've started to notice what he says about "meaningful coincidences". it's like... you know when you're sitting there thinking about someone, and all of the sudden the phone rings and it's that person? it's sorta like that. such as this morning, i woke up kind of early and my mother asked me if i had seen Osiris last night at all (one of our cats) and i told her i hadn't. she seemed concerned by this, and i attempted to call for him but still, nothing. anyway, i went and layed back down. i had a dream that he came home and then my mother knocks on the door and tells me that he's home and he's hurt. so...yeah, that was a little odd. that happends a lot. it seems that these little instances aren't necessarily some kind of psychic or extrasensory instances, but they are strangely coincedental nonetheless. so...yeah...that's interesting. i think i'm going to start logging them. but perhaps i won't. i haven't decided.

something i've noticed that people bring up to me a lot is my not wanting to have children. others seems far too concerned with the fact that i wish to not reproduce, and i sincerely do not understand why they care so damn much. frankly, i don't give two lesses of a fuck what they think, and i'll keep on my path. but yeah...wow. people tell me "you'll change your mind when it's your own child. you'll see." ok...so yeah... i think of pregnancy as parasitic infestation, but i should have a child anyway just to see if i might change my mind. ok...right...but then what happends when it turns out i was right in the first place and i'm like "nah..i don't still don't like it. take it away." um.... yeahhhh...that's not gonna work. so....pfft. whatever. goddam people.

anyway, i've said enough for now. i'm just babbling anyway. tralala.

so, for now i shall sojourn into the vast unknown depth of my mind whilst i ponder the meaningless existence that most commit themselves to, and bask in the glory of my not having been anchored into such things.

fondly with a dash of discontent,

la ragazza chi anche desideri dormire

The Participatory Nature of the Universe

Note: This was a paper written for my metaphysics class, so it does not hold the usual air of disenchanted sarcasm that my usual entries possess. That is all. Read on.

Life is called a “cycle” and human beings are thought to be at the top of the “food chain.” We’re all part of an “ecosystem” where each link in the food chain prey on the members of the level below them as a source of food, or in some cases, simply possess habits which indicate a higher level of intelligence. Life tends to be cyclical, nature reproducing itself time and time again. Living creatures not only feed to survive, but also they reproduce, creating the next generation of their species. Every living creature fulfills its roll in the ecosystem in order to fulfill the niche they possess within this entire complex system of nature. In the general state of the ecosystem, those that don’t participate in the pattern of behavior that is required to survive and fulfill the niche die out and their species becomes extinct. Basic participation is required for a species to survive and flourish in the system. The seemingly mere factor of participation is what deems whether a thing will continue to exist. This cycle of participation is true of any integral part of the system of the entire Universe.

On a closer view, the social system of human beings is a highly participatory. Participation, at first encounter, involves the interaction between a child and their parents. If there are other siblings present then this factor is added in as well. We garner the knowledge of the properties of social interaction from our families, and our parents attempt to bring us up to be emotionally and intellectually well-balanced individuals, enabling us to have a successful and fulfilling life cycle. In this instance, the need to “fulfill” a niche takes on a whole new quality; fulfilling a niche is no long merely a means of survival, but it decides your fate within the social system. Upon turning the ripe old age of five, we’re thrust into an entirely new world filled with new people and places, and not to mention an entirely new system of authority. Now in kindergarten there may not be the high level of expectations that the adult world holds, but to a small child, this venture is daunting.

The social infrastructure of human beings is implemented on the most chaotic and unfettered environment within the academic system: the playground. What we choose to play and whom we choose to play it with could very well decide our future insofar as who will become our lifelong friends or enemies, what social group we’ll be associated with, and what sort of personality people will take us to have. Do I choose to climb the jungle gym or play chicken on the monkey bars? Or is foursquare more the flavor that I seek? Maybe I’d rather dig tunnels in the sandbox or I might fancy the idea of playing a game of hopscotch. Perhaps I just rather sit quietly under a tree and play with a toy I brought with me from home. All of the options are perfectly feasible and viable; however all but the last option is the only that involves solitary activity. If I choose to play by myself on a constant basis than my circle of friends will be very small or virtually non-existent. If I keep up this introverted demeanor, it will follow me all through academic life.

There comes a time in the early stages of our academic life when teachers start to grade us on our rate of class participation. If we don’t participate enough then we receive lower marks, and our parents are informed of our lack of participation. In turn, if we want to be successful in the academic world, we’re forced to participate. As a result of this, the majority of people then begin to assimilate themselves into a slot in the social system. Once in high school, we begin to join social groups outside of classes, and this is where we form our seemingly most formidable friendships. From these groups is where we tend to make decisions as to what we will “be when we grow up.” With the participation of these activities we fulfill a new kind of niche; a social order is set according to these groups. It becomes a toiling effort as we attempt to keep our heads above water within this social system, hoping that we won’t be come one of the “geek”, “nerds” or “losers”. At times, the pressure to participate in this system can drive people to states of mental anguish that can result in a person feeling as though they can no longer cope and survive within this system and must take their own life, hence ceasing to participate in any way in the cycle.

Upon reaching adulthood, most people have made a “mark” of “who” they are, and living according to that social class. Those that don’t end up seeking higher education take the role of blue-collar workers, fulfilling the functional niche of providing the rest of society with necessary services. Whether someone becomes a college professor, providing education (and at times enlightenment) to the knowledge seeking humans, or if they work behind a register in a fast food restaurant, each person acts within a role, participating in the human social system. The universe on a whole is a far more vast system of participation, and the role of human beings is a cog in the wheel of the extremely complex system of the universe in its entirety. Some human beings possess the need to investigate the purpose of their life through philosophical contemplation, while others see their existence as a way to earn the right to join “God” in the realms of “Heaven,” and attempt to attain this through diligent religious practice. Regardless of whether we spend our time questioning the meaning of everything, or “know” our purpose is to act according to the “word of God,” we are still forever participating in this universe. The participatory nature of the universe is what gears us to function as we do, and is how we form the systems and classifications of things in nature.

WOOBEY WOOBEY WOOBEY WAGGA WAGGA WAGGA

i'm tired. and it's late...way late. i didn't get enough work done this weekend. i need to bust my ass and get my shit done. dammit... what's up with me? i don't know. i'm tired of writing things about things other people wrote and things and things and things. goddamit. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!??!

ok enough of that... i have nothing profound to say today. i'm in a weird state of mind. everything is all....scrambled. scrambled like eggies on a sidewalk in june. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. no...not really. well the mmmmmmmmm part anyway. what? i don't know! stop yelling at me...

er....heh. well....its probably best if i find my way to bed.

my brain speaks gibberish. i'll have to learn that one someday.

i doth reflect too much

i went to the nail place with my mom today. i talked to the man who owns the place, who's originally from vietnam. on the tv was a report talking about the vietnam war memorial ceremonies that were going on here in the U.S. and in vietnam. vincent, as the owner goes by, talked about the cruelties of the communist government and his memories of witnessing the war as a child. he talked about how his neighbor was killed, shot in the head by his own government. vincent also talked about how all of his older brothers fought in the way, and how one was arrested for simply being a cook for the vietnamese army. he told me about how the communist government has no sympathy for people, and how he thinks this is because they lack any connection with God or spirituality.

even after the conversation had concluded for the most part, he would still randomly mutter about the vietnam government. "cruel, cruel government....no care for their people. just kill anyone...they don't care. they don't like what you're doing, they come and shoot you...kill you. right there." the fact that he kept muttering things signified to me how deeply the entire experience affected him. i can't really imagine those kinds of feelings. i've face some traumatic things in my life...but nothing like that.

i come from "Generation-X". the tail end that is... from what i see, we're all apathetic. not just about our government, war, or social issues...but about everything. people say theyre trying to make a difference, make things better, but in reality it's all just fodder for a resume so that one day they can get that great job with a fortune 500 company, ensuring themselves and their offspring a life of "stability". yadayadasomesuchblah. but...the difference between the apathetic gen-xers (now going from their 20's toward their 30's) and the new generation of "oppressed" youth is that we didn't hang out at Hot Topic to get the newest "indie" rags. in the 1980's we were faced with Project Euphamism: Take 2. cartoons chocked full of magical creatures and homoeroticism....no wonder why we all smoked too much pot and experimented with hallucinogens.... "these days" it seems like rebellion is a fad. maybe it's always been a fad...but now it's a marketable fad. 10 years ago, when i was wearing spiked things and had funny hair...i was called "freak". now there's t-shirts claiming the pride of freak-hood. i'm not sure how i feel about that...but i think individuality as a fashion is a no-no. being vapid is completely cool...but they're not vapid. no....they're disenchanted youth. cry me a fuckin river, as they say.

there's a variety of much more witty and well-put things i could say on all this, and perhaps i'll tackle that sometime. right now... i'm just sort of here. i don't know where "here" is. goddam metaphysics....

well, i've had enough of my own brainworkings.

don't fear the reaper or his musty ole socks,

the girl who lays in the limbo of reality and discontent

the vapid ramblings of the quintessential bubbleheads

yes....so....i'm on campus right now. ill be going to work in about a half hour. wee. anyway, i was in tthe bathroom, and i happend to hear random people talking, yadayada. and while im in there there's at least 3 different groups of girls (or pairs. the groupings consisted of 2-3 people at a time, it seemed). and i heard minor snippets of the conversations, and something occurred to me.... i couldn't tell the difference between the 3 seperate groups. nor could i tell the difference between the individual members of the groups as they spoke. now...someone might say that i'm odd for even making note of such a thing (being that i was in a bathroom and all), but this struck me as odd, and perhaps even a bit disturbing.

here are these girls, supposedly each a model of the ideal college girl: cute, giggly, flattering attire (e.g. super cute clothes! OMG :D), just-right makeup, etcetc. anyway, so yes...their conversations....it was the last group of girls in particular that stuck out in my mind. they all sounded exactly the same. it went something like this:

girl 1: i had some WAY weird dreams last night!
girl 2: Oh my God! Me TOO!
girl 1: REALLY?! Oh my God!
girl 2: yeah!!

and then it went on from there. what struck me as strange was how stereotypical their interaction was. now, not to say that these girls are necessarily stupid...they are in a university, afterall. i mean, sure they could've got their way on mummy and daddy's checkbook...however being that this is a state university and its not exactly Stanford or somesuch, well...the frequency of that is rather unlikely. anyway.... but something i might gather them to be are what are known as "bubbleheads." dictionary.com cites the definition of bubblehead as being "A foolish or empty-headed person." now...this seems to" concur with my idea of a good deal of people i come across on campus. its the language, the mannerisms, the lack of social awareness (or any kind of awareness, really, it seems). i'll never say that i'm some example of perfection...surely not; however, i'll always be relieved to know that i'm not one of these. i could go on for pages explaining exactly what i mean, defending my point...but at the moment i feel as though such efforts would be wasted and that energy would be better spent doing some of my schoolwork. and besides, it's my journal so, NYAH. heh. moving on...

hmm...i wonder if there's a point to all of these entries...perhaps just for my own amusement? probably. i have yet to really show this to anyone...perhaps i'll branch out to a few others. i don't know! meh. me is tired. Woo.

someome noted the other day now my two favorite phrases are "you know" and "something". people always say how vague i tend to be...but i suppose that's something i can't help. someone else once told me that i always say "seemingly" and "perhaps" a lot, which i do. my reasoning for doing that is simple: it's my nature. heh. throughout my life i've been faced with a variety of situations in which a single decision could alter the entire outcome of the entire scenario. really, this is the case with any decision; however my recoginition of this comes from the fact that some of those single decisions could have changed the path of my life completely. let's take an instance from that happend just about 5 years ago... i'd just finally gotten away from my psychotic ex, and i was not exactly of "right mind" (the gnomes had completely taken me over at that point). so yes... i decided, hm...seattle...ok sure. there was someone there i knew, and i figured, "why not?" so, the day i was leaving, my best friend came to see me at my mother's house. she thought i was being completely irrational and just plain stupid, and had no problem with telling me as such. she asked me if she could see my bus ticket, and i declined. she urged me to let her see it, but i knew that if i let her get her hands on it, that it would be in scraps seconds later. when i think back to that moment....i realize how much i really did want to hand her that ticket. i remember standing there thinking "but i HAVE to go..." and now my question is , why? why did i HAVE to go? i didn't...not really. i just thought i did. i had it in my head that this is what i was required to do. i have a whole plate of reasons as to why i probably felt that way, but i won't go into that now. anyway, i eventually came home. she didn't call me for awhile, and then one day i heard from her. i went home about 2 weeks later. the situation i was in was ridiculous, and now, as the stronger version of myself, i look back and think "WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK?!?!" because that wasn't even me. i never do what people tell me to do. i don't even take someone raising their voice at me (if its unwarranted, and even still. heh). anyway, relating to the original topic.... i don't like to assume things. my connection with reality is somewhat limited, and i have a sort of natural detatchment about me. my view of things is generally rather objective... but of course i'm still a human creature so i have some subjective tendencies floating around up there.

but yes...that was quite awhile ago. another lifetime infact. now... i'm better than i was then. not so unstable. of course, i'll always have some of the problems...there's no cure for that. as i told someone last night... i call it "functionally insane". i function....but i'm still somewhat insane. most people who know me don't know that...they've got no clue about what's going on up in my head. those that are even a bit close to me at least have an idea that i'm not the picture of mental health, but i think they find that endearing about me. heh. and then there's people that actually know what's going on up inside my head, at least to a degree. those people are the ones that i consider to be my "safe" people, in most aspects. i can't always tell them what's going on up there, or how i'm feeling, because for some of them it's seemingly intense or grotesque. i understand that though.... they just get scared that i'm going to revert back to my former state of deluded insanity. but functional insanity...yes...i'll that that one any day, as opposed to the other. but there are a few people that i can tell more to. but i never tell anyone everything....i don't think i want to purposely think about it long enough to do that.

anyway, i've got to treck my ass to the car and drive home so i can put on my converse and then go to work. a stockin beer i'll go a stockin beer i'll go..high ho the... eh. fuck it.

until next time.... contemplate your purpose, look at reality, and then spew in disgust.

smirkingly yours,

the girl who stocks cheap beer

bubbles under my skin

i'm antsy. way way antsy. i got startled awake by a very loud knock at my door. i didn't like this. i had a dream last night about a large black man telling me about his gay sex experience. that was odd. i don't know why i dream what i do dream. hm...

i'm really hot right now. i feel like my skin is melting off my bones....but the thermometer says that my tempterature is 97.2 ... hmmmmmmm.... meh.

so....i'm having this interesting little thought... but i don't know if i should go sharing it... it could be used as evidence in the future...

today, someone asked me if my disenchanted detachedness was like a constant state of zen.... i replied "yes. the zen art of 'i don't give a rat's ass'. " i amuse myself at times. *ahem*

people...are....confusing. i don't know. blahblahblah. i feel really weird. i need to be tired. NOW. i have classes early in the morning. goddamit. gah... i can't get tired....

another night of shadows, another night of whispers. will it ever go away.

errrraaarggguh

GNOMES. they're at it again... mining in my brain cavity. earlier this evening, i was sitting quietly in my bedroom, musing over some train of thought and !STAB STAB STAB STAB! they began to dig to new depths, leaving me rolling around in my bed, crying out in pain and contempt for these vile little beings that plague me. however...i almost have to admire their persistence and ability to get under my skin (and in my head). it's not often that things keep my attention for long....but they've managed to keep their place as my #1 advesaries to date. HOO-FUCKIN-RAH. 

Okay, i'm being ridiculous there. Sometimes i get ridiculous because i don't plan on sharing this with anyone. if someone saw it, they'd be calling to have me admitted again for sure. i'm supposed to be in 'remission' but lately, things keep popping up. they say that might always happen. they who? they they. not that I ever believed the 'theys' and 'thems'. whatever.

i have classes tomorrow... i think i may go see a doctor about this cough thing that's been developing in my chest. perhaps its a den of highly insipid hornets that have lost their way and have taken up refuge in my chest cavity.... but i really hope not. i'm highly allergic to bee stings and bugs just plain creep me out; however, my mind believes that its a likely possibilty. perhaps a wager should be set? hmm...
ow...my brain meats hurt. *blink*

the beaver that lays in the eye of the devil

yes....so i'm posing here. i'm not sure why. i don't think i'll end up showing this to anyone. perhaps someone will happen across it. i'm not sure. tralala....

i've been writing a lot. i have this chapter story going. it's....interesting. for now its just to get into the practice again. at some point i'm going to start my novel again. i tried but i got stuck because i realized that i still needed to re-create all of the characters. especially the main ones. we'll see where that goes...

i'm not sure what i'm really thinking right now. my head is a little clouded.  the moon calls.....or....something.

i think i've lost my mind. can you help me find it?

And so the gnomes have their way....

so...i don't know what i'm doing...really. i just started this because....well....there's no real reason. it's just...here. and i'm just...here. my head is all fuzzy. i feel like i'm floating out of my skin.  this is just me...and the weird way i always feel. disconnected.... but not like a crying goth child who has mean mean parents that won't give them lots of money for those uber-neat pants with the strappy things at Hot Topic. no....it's not even really that involved.

well...really....i just feel on the outside of the bubble; however i come off a fairly social creature. inside, a mess of conflict, anger, confusion. i'm just rather disenchanted with humanity. why? take a minute to stop and listen to a random conversation sometime...listen to what people talk about. listen to how they communicate with one another...take a moment to realize what you're hearing. what is it? rampant stupidity. yes...people are stupid. a lot of human beings think this, however most of them are part of that contingency. but they don't realize it. why? because they're stupid. simple enough, right?

i spend a great deal of time studying philosophy. i analyze things a lot. perhaps this is a product of my inherent paranoia. but, i'm so damn apathetic that in the end it doesn't matter. ha! eureka...we've found a dead end!sometimes this line i walk is too much of a tightrope, and i get curious what it might be like to just fall off. not in the sense of ' i want to die and end of it all.' no, no that's far too simple for me. more like, what would it be like to take the chance? is it all an illusion to begin with? very well could be so. i'm not sure it matters either way.

so anyway....yes. i see things. i hear things. tralala...but i function alright. just have the occasional glitch. but yes.... i have gnomes living in my head. they wield ice picks and randomly stab my brain meats, whilst laughing menacingly, and cause great pain throughout my cerebral region. i don't enjoy this.... i've been attempting to devise a way to rid myself of them...perhaps a fumigation of sorts....but i have yet to succeed in that venture. but i'm not giving up...i shall not. the gnomes shall be vanquished! *blink*

guh.. sometimes my random spurts of nonsense annoy even me.

hm....i'm spaced. tired....tired? maybe. yes....definitely. everything is just...strange....i am just....strange? not so much as someone might think. just untethered to societal conceptions of 'okay'.....i've ...... run out of things to say. so this is where it ends....for now.

*insert French Movie Theme (Smashing Pumpkins)*